Parents, Elders, and Marriage Approval

Seeking the Wisdom of the Covenant Community in the Bonds of Matrimony

Good Morning,

Today’s look at the Directory of Public Worship provides a helpful window into what life was like when the book was written. It’s always neat to see how previous generations handled things like marriage and it is always worthwhile to see how we can apply those realities to our own way of life in 2025. We should be humble enough, and curious enough, to wonder and learn from those who have come before. Experience is ordinarily the best schoolmaster. There is little need for us to reinvent the wheel or act as if we were the first to deal with particular situations. In the section we’ll walk through today some of the subjects that will come up are: age of consent, the care of parents not to over-involved themselves in the process of marriage for their children while at the same time guarding, and providing for them as they seek a husband or a wife. There are also directions given to the pastor and the elders in encouraging young ones to seek marriage.

Let’s go ahead and read what they have to say in this morning’s DPW portion:

Before the solemnizing of marriage between any persons, the purpose of marriage shall be published by the minister three several sabbath-days, in the congregation, at the place or places of their most usual and constant abode, respectively. And of this publication the minister who is to join them in marriage shall have sufficient testimony, before he proceed to solemnize the marriage. Before that publication of such their purpose, (if the parties be under age,) the consent of the parents, or others under whose power they are, (in case the parents be dead,) is to be made known to the church officers of that congregation, to be recorded.

The like is to be observed in the proceedings of all others, although of age, whose parents are living, for their first marriage. And, in after marriages of either of those parties, they shall be exhorted not to contract marriage without first acquainting their parents with it, (if with conveniency it may be done,) endeavouring to obtain their consent. Parents ought not to force their children to marry without their free consent, nor deny their own consent without just cause.

Publicly posting about the coming nuptials is something that we can certainly identify with. In a time before Facebook, Instagram, and other social media sites the best way to “get the word out” about a coming marriage was to post it on local bulletin boards, put it in the paper, etc... Yet there was a more pressing reason for this than just to let people know the dates, times, and location. As we talked about last week there was a general societal concern to not allow any kind of bigamy to be allowed. Just as a quick reminder bigamy is being married to two people at the same time at different locations, which is different from polygamy which is being married to two women who inhabit the same home, which is also unbiblical, but not the main concern here. That is part of the reason why the traditional marriage service has the words, “ If any man can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace” in it. The minister must make sure that this man and this woman can lawfully be wed.

The next question that the DPW takes on are the words of instruction given above is that the pastor is to ensure that the young man and young woman have the consent of their parents. Notice that this only necessary if the requesters be “under age”. In our day this would mean under the age of 18. It is lawful in South Carolina for folks to marry “under age” with a signed affidavit from a parent or guardian (consistent with the DPW), but what did that take in back in 1647? For the authors of the directory it depended as much on social class as age. The age of consent could be as young as 12 or 14 for the upper classes who were arranging these marriages often for political or financial reasons. For those of a lower social strata it was more in line with what we would think to be an age of consent, 16-18. Also notice how the “church officers” are to be involved with approving the marriage. This is an important, if not neglected, part of the calling of elders and deacons in a congregation. Elders should examine the spiritual bond and particularly the suitability of the man to lead his family in the Lord. That means if a gentleman does not know Christ as his savior or exhibits qualities not in keeping with good moral order they should give counsel to the young lady. Likewise the deacons should provide help in making sure that the young couple are establishing their home economy well. There is a holistic scene here where the whole congregation plays a part in welcoming and aiding the young couple.

Continuing this thought process to those who are older is an interesting and important part of the way our forefathers understood what marriage is and what it is ultimately for in the life of the church of Jesus Christ. Age does not change responsibility. Even older men and women pursuing marriage should continue to seek the support of parents in keeping with the Fifth Commandment as well as their elders and deacons. One last thing to note here is that parents must have a good and legitimate reason to deny marriage, for these matters are of the Lord, and if He is bringing two folks together it is unwise for us to stand in the way unless clear providence is present.

In closing, these words are a timeless testimony to why the church must take seriously the logistics of marriage as much as the event itself. These ideas of consent and care are a bolster to the lives all members of the community of faith and should be considered, especially in a time in history where our culture teaches us to do all things on our own and without the need of support of those near and dear to us, including the elders and deacons. Some would call this putting one’s nose in a place it doesn’t belong, but the bible would witness it as being an example of the Great Shepherd’s desire that all matters be taken care of decently and in order in keeping with His law and word for the blessing of all including the next generation which is to come in grace and love.

A last word:

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/must-i-wait-for-my-parents-to-approve-of-my-future-spouse

Blessings in Christ,

Rev. Benjamin Glaser

Pastor, Bethany ARP Church