The Right Day and Time to Be Married

Considering When the Moment is Right to Tie the Knot

Howdy!

Today’s portion from the Directory of Public Worship has us asking questions about timing. Both in the sense of when you should get married and how long you should (or should not) wait between engagement and the actual service. Like some of the other topics we have covered in the marriage part of the DPW it is an interesting thing for the writers of a document hoping to regulate our practices as Christians to be concerned about. We can understand things like who we should be marrying, and what the service itself is to look like, but why is there a whole paragraph given over to the date and elapse of time, as well as why it probably should not be Sunday? It is a good question to ask and we’ll spend most of our space today trying to answering it. We can rest in the fact that they would not have put it in here unless it mattered. The writers of the DPW are not super focused on being rule makers and wish to leave as much to providence and local wisdom as they can. When they do mention something, it is worth our time to honor their wish and give space to meditating on what they have to teach us about these matters.

Here is today’s portion of the DPW:

After the purpose or contract of marriage hath been thus published, the marriage is not to be long deferred. Therefore the minister, having had convenient warning, and nothing being objected to hinder it, is publickly to solemnize it in the place appointed by authority for publick worship, before a competent number of credible witnesses, at some convenient hour of the day, at any time of the year, except on a day of publick humiliation. And we advise that it be not on the Lord’s day.

Given sufficient opportunity for someone to come forward and make the minister (or the civil authorities) aware of any reason why the man and the woman should not be married our directory makes the argument that the marriage is not to be long deferred. What is the idea behind that admonition? First of all, we do need to reiterate that a lot of what we are reading today does not have the force of law. That being said we are not then to act like the advice of men who have our best interest in mind and seek that society be rightly ordered are then to be ignored. Part of the Fifth Commandment is understanding that there are moments in life where the threat of the sword is not to be seen as necessary in order for people to do the right thing. Custom is not the enemy oftentimes. There is a purpose for that landmark or the “way we’ve always done it” and it is an honor to our ancestors to at least ask why that would be. Often to our surprise we will find that they were actually correct to set a boundary, though there are cases where they weren’t, but we won’t know that unless we bother to investigate it.

That being said, as it is part of our inheritance as receivers of tradition to tread carefully and with respect so when it comes to the timing between an engagement and a wedding what kind of things should we take into consideration? Well, like with most things there are good and bad reasons, each of which likely have their own circumstances. For instance, in my own life my wife and I were engaged for close to 18 months. We both agree now that was too long. The reason at the time was to wait until my wife graduated from college. There was a certain logic to it. However, the relational anguish took its toll and we almost didn’t make it, to be honest. When we know that we are well matched it doesn’t make sense to unduly pressure the couple to stay holy and righteous where it also allows the devil to play games. I think one of the reasons why we may see so much of this today is that we miss the purpose and reason for the wedding itself.

Another reason given for a long engagement is allowing for proper time to plan the ceremony, and to put things in order for life after that day. Again, lots of good here. However, notice something about what the DPW assumes about the event itself. It says, “. . . before a competent number of credible witnesses, at some convenient hour of the day, at any time of the year.” While we have plenty of examples of the feasts put on, even by lower classes, in the Seventeenth Century around the nuptials of a couple in the Lord we do need to consider from a stewardship point of view how much we need expensive and expansive weddings. I realize that is a third rail of which men are usually asked to excuse themselves from the process of, and often for good reason, as my tie and shirt combo today can testify. However, the simplicity of the event envisioned by the DPW is something worth our meditating on, as it is in itself to be something which is the beginning of a glorious moment in the life of the covenant family. Lastly for this part there is also an assumption about where the wedding itself will take place, “. . . solemnize it in the place appointed by authority for publick worship.” This is not to say that it must take place in the sanctuary, but there is a powerful picture given in taking vows in the house of God.

In closing, there is another touchy subject that we often do not think about and that is why would the DPW says if possible the wedding should not take place on the Lord’s Day. The simple reason behind this admonition is that the day of rest and worship can hardly be observed if there are myriads of preparation and labors needed to be pulled off if an event of this magnitude is to happen and still be found keeping the Fourth Commandment. The needed attendance of the bride and groom and their families in the right worship of Christ Jesus in the morning and the evening service would certainly be hampered. It is best then that weddings do not take place on the day set aside by God for His worship, though providence, like David’s showbread, might necessitate it. Wisdom and grace is to be evident in all that we do, and God’s consideration first maintained.

Here is a last word:

https://learn.ligonier.org/articles/basis-christian-marriage

Blessings in Christ,

Rev. Benjamin Glaser

Pastor, Bethany ARP Church